Where Is Your Heart?

I sat there in silence, trying to think of what to say in response. I was never good in awkward situations and this was no different. Farrah's words echoed in my mind. He started seeing me after your break up. We broke up in January of this year. It was because of you and your little San Diego trip. Your little romantic getaway ruined my relationship! You're going to pay, Courtney!

I pushed Farrah's voice away and concentrated on the situation at hand. Taylor was looking at me with puppy dog eyes and an adorable smile, just waiting for an answer. I took a deep breath and tried to break it to him gently.

"Taylor, I'm glad that you've fallen in love with me, but I don't think I'm at that point yet," I told him. "I really care about you. I do. I just can't say those words to you if I don't absolutely mean it."

"I understand, Court," he said, giving me a peck on the cheek. "I won't push, I'll wait until you're ready. Thank you for being honest with me." I smiled weakly.

"Thanks, honey," I told him. I was relieved at his reaction. I really couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend. I smiled to myself.

We sat there, enjoying the view and the little picnic Taylor planned. I had taken a bite of my turkey sandwich when Farrah's voice popped back into my head. You're going to pay, Courtney! I almost choked. I coughed profusely and Taylor was patting my back, desperately pouring a cup of water for me to drink.

"Are you ok?" he asked me, worriedly. I gave a little cough and nodded. I knew that this issue would keep bugging me if I didn't ask Taylor about it.

"Taylor, Farrah said something yesterday and it's been bugging me," I said.

"What did she say, Court?" he asked me.

"She said that you two started going out when we broke up and had been going out until this January," I said, hesitantly. "Is that true?"

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. I braced myself for his answer, even though I knew what the answer was.

"Yes," he admitted. "We were going out. But, the relationship was dead. The distance was really getting to us and I felt that we were drifting further and further apart. We weren't talking as much and I was getting lonely. I started missing you so much that it hurt. I started regretting the fact that we broke up in the first place."

"You told her that it was because of our trip to San Diego that that's the reason why you were breaking up," I said, softly. "But, you tried to get back together with me in October. You lied to her."

"I didn't want to hurt her even more than I had to, Court," he said, trying to justify his actions. "I was trying to protect her. I didn't want her to know I was losing my feelings for her." When he said that, it was like a knife had pierced through my heart. Logan had said, relatively the same thing about me as if it justified his actions. I could barely hear what he was saying. I couldn't go through this again.

What's going to happen if he loses his feelings for me? Is he going to run back to Farrah? How do I know that he didn't cheat on me with another girl, other than the one that Adam had planted? How can I trust him, knowing that he has cheated on Farrah twice and had led me on to thinking that he was single at the time of our trip? The nagging voice in my head just wouldn't stop.

"Court, you ok?" he asked, shaking me.

"No, Taylor," I told him, sadly. Tears formed in my eyes. "I'm not ok. Just take me home, Taylor, I can't do this right now."