*Sorry this is late, I could have sworn it posted! Again, sorry for the delay*
It was as if time had froze. I didn't know what to make of the situation. My best friend told me that he loved me and not in the "I love you, buddy" way, but in the romantic "I love you" way. He had put me on the spot. I sat there, trying to figure out if I felt the same way about him- or could I even feel the same way about him.
We've known each other since preschool and we know everything about each other. I feel that one of the best parts of a relationship is the "honeymoon stage" where they find out everything about each other and they think the other one's quirks are adorable. But with Adam and I, we know what irritates the other. We know all about each other's past (well, at least, I do now) and we've hung out so many times over the years. We'll be like an old married couple.
I tried to picture us together- going out to dinner, seeing a movie, taking a walk around the park near my house, talking for hours on end until we fell asleep on each other. I can see that happening, only because we've done all of those things together.
What if I say yes and we end up breaking up? I'll lose him forever. But, on the other side of the coin, if I say no, he could decide that he never wants to speak to me again and I'll lose him forever. I don't think I could lose Adam.
"Court," he whispered, softly. It broke me out of my train of thought. "What are you thinking?"
He looked at me, his eyes pleading. I took a deep breath, I knew what I was going to do. I looked into his eyes and tried to make this as clear as possible.
"Adam listen, we've been friends for a long time and I love you dearly," I said. "But really, Adam, I don't love you romatically. I'm sorry."
He looked as if his heart was broken into a million pieces.
"I understand," he said.
"You didn't let me finish," I told him. "I'm willing to give us a try if we use baby steps and maybe one day I'll fall in love with you."
He lit up like a little boy on his birthday.
"Court, you really don't know how happy you've made me," he said, grinning from ear to ear. I smiled.
Let's hope I made the right decision- for both our sakes.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
This Love
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12 comments:
Yes, I'll probably keep having them, at least as long as I keep having problems sleeping. Although maybe not necessarily the same spirits the whole time.
I'm only 17 & my brain is still changing, so my doc doesn't want to diagnose me properly, as then he'd have to prescribe me some drugs, but he's looking into narcolepsy, as I have pretty much all the symptoms. The drugs for this have been associated with causing brain damage if given to young people. It seems that I have a hormone imbalance which causes my sleeping to be weird.
My dreams and hallucinations tend to follow a pattern for a while, maybe a few months at a time, and then they'll change and the 'style' will be different. For now, they're like a movie, the angle or perspective changes, like a camera, so sometimes I'm the person things are happening to and then things'll change and I'll be watching. I haven't seen many spirits recently, (until last night) but I get lots of dreams, some of which are extremely vivid, these ones are sent by spirits and contain any warnings etc.
On top of my spirit-type hallucinations, I sometimes hallucinate if I fall asleep in lessons, these tend to get interrupted though. These are completely different, afterwards it's hard to remember, because of the interruptions, but the thing I take away from them is that I was finding out/being told something very significant. Like the meaning of life, or if God exists, that kind of thing. During these, time and sound are wrong. E.g. My teacher calling my name to wake me up sounds like God calling my name, it's everywhere, inside and outside my head.
I go to an all-girls school, which is very bitchy and people hang out in groups with people they don't like so they can claim to have friends. In this environment, when I stopped fitting in properly, I stopped being a part of the group. Because it was so bitchy, it was very noticeable, very fast. It showed me that these people didn't really care what I was like really, just so long as I fit in. When I stopped being friends with these people, I was told to stay on good terms with some of them. Now, from my old group of 'friends', I've remade friends with 2 of them (out of 4, there was 5 of us), only this time it's genuine.
Btw, I don't think I said, but I really enjoy reading your blog
xxx
I really hope that your sleeping problems goes away and some of the spirits (the bad ones that causes negativity). I also hope that you and the doctor don't take any drastic measures that could be dangerous in the long run. But, you mentioned a hormone imbalance, is there a drug (or a natural way) of balancing the hormones or is that the drug(s) for narcolepsy?
I think you're amazing to be able to survive being at an all-girls' school. (I imagine something along the lines of Gossip Girl with the hierarchy and minions with social standings and cattiness. :P) I'd go crazy because I usually connect more with males rather than females (males tend to be more of the in-your-face-non-catty-type, which some females are catty). You are awesome for being able to handle a bunch of fake, bitchy chicks. And I'm super glad that remade genuine friends, they're the best ones that you can have!
I'm also glad that you're enjoying my blog, that's really nice to hear.
=] =] =] =]
Imagine more like Mean Girls, except with about 3/4 of the year being like the mean-girls gang instead of just 1 'popular' group. Seriously, quite a few groups in my year actually started writing 'burn books'. I should be leaving at the end of this school year though, then I'll be going to Uni.
As far as my health goes, I don't know, I'm trying out natural remedies etc. but the main reason I would need medication would be because a side effect of my sleeping badly, I get muscle spasms and if I feel very tired or emotional, then I stop being able to control some of my muscles. This makes it even more likely that I have narcolepsy, as I have all the symptoms of cataplexy too. 70% of narcoleptics are cataplectic too. :(
During the summer I was told (in one of my dreams) to look on the internet for something (I think I was supposed to look for song lyrics??) so I did, and somehow I found a blog I liked, since then I've read lots of blogs & added them to my favorites folder on my laptop, including yours. You might think it's farfetched, but I think I was supposed to talk to you. You're the first person I've 'met' who was interested and willing to be open-minded about everything I was saying. (it doesn't help that I'm quite young, it means that adults often think I'm making stuff up) Thank you so much for listening and taking me seriously, I really appreciate it a lot.
I loved the movie Mean Girls (not the whole popular group thing, but it was the last decent movie Lindsay Lohan was in). I'm really glad that you're leaving that awful place. I didn't know that burn books actually exist. That's just really bitchy.
I really hope that the natural remedies do help out. Have you tried sleeping pills so you don't have any sleeping problems (or am I not fully understanding narcolepsy)? I was wondering if you knew what caused the symptoms or did it randomly just pop up out of nowhere?
Honestly, I definitely don't think it's farfetched, hun! I believe that everything happens for a reason. =] 17 isn't that young (not to me, at least) and I don't know if I really qualify as being an adult (I'm only 18), but, you're definitely welcome. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me! It's really interesting and I think you should write a autobiography or a book or something. I think alot of people would be interested in it! =]
I first went to a doctor when I was 14. I went with my friend after school as both my parents work. The doctor literally told me to my face that I was making up a load of crap. Weirdly I didn't go back for a while. I then saw another doctor. He asked me to have a blood test and then to make a follow - up appointment, but he would only see me again if he could have an appointment with my dad after he'd seen me. In that appointment he told my dad that what I was saying didn't make any sense and that he believed I was making up the problem as my symptoms didn't fit together, and there was nothing wrong with my blood. A year later I saw another doctor. He said that I wasn't making things up, if I was, I would have made up a list of symptoms that made sense. The thing is, my symptoms do make sense, but only if you look at it as 2 connected problems (e.g. cataplexy and narcolepsy) , whereas, everyone had been looking at it as 1 problem.(insomnia)I then was referred to a neurologist, who happened to be friends with the 2nd doctor I'd seen, who again basically told me I was talking a load of crap. That's what I mean about adults not taking me seriously. And then there's people my own age and, understandably, most of them, (unless they're close friends of mine who've witnessed my problems) can't really understand or appreciate that I'm exhausted and feel drained ALL THE TIME.
As for sleeping pills, I'm told I shouldn't take them because this is a long-term problem and I'd probably end up with an addiction to them, also after a while they'd stop being as effective as I would've been taking them for so long. :(
Maybe a blog? That way I could easily put in my dreams etc. when I get them. hmmm... I'll think about it.
Last night I had another hallucination. I was lying in bed and I heard my mother go into to the bathroom in the night. Then I started to fall asleep. There was something in my room, it looked human-shaped, but it was white and looked like smoke. The next thing I know, it's inside my body, and it's trying to take control of me. Not of my body but of my soul. Then I blank. Next, I'm outside my room and I watch my mother leave the bathroom and go back to her room. I deliberately (under it's control) creak some of the floorboards, hoping to scare her. Another blank. We (it and my soul) are inside the bathroom now, and it's trying to get the window open. It wants me to jump out, and because I can hear it inside my head, I know that it'll jump with me and then leave me, just before I hit the ground. And I know that if I hit the ground my soul will be dead, or unable to go back to my body. And this whole time, my soul is fighting to try and stay inside the house to go back to my body. I remember starting to fall, and then I'm back in my body, one of my spirits pulled me back into my house and saved me, but I don't really remember what happened, it's another blank.
As far as I can tell, I had blanks when the thing took me over completely, or when it left me and I still wasn't connected to my body. The thing I remember most clearly was a bit when I looked at my spirit hands when I was in the bathroom. I could see 2 layers of this smokey stuff in the shape of a hand, 1 on top of the other. One was mine and the other was it's, only they were together while it had control of me. Does that make sense?
I'm so sorry that you had to go through all those doctors before you found one that believed you. :( I really hope that the medication that you'll take will help with the symptoms (the medication that causes brain damage if taken at a young age also the natural remedies).
A blog would be a great idea! :) I'll be the first follower! =]
Your hallucination from last night totally makes sense. It's kind of creepy and scary to think that something is controlling you and you know that it's controlling you, waiting to kill you. Is it the first time you had this hallucination where a spirit (or something) took over your body?
I've never had a hallucination like that before, no. It was really strange (and scary) feeling it taking over. I've had other hallucinations where I wasn't in control of my body, but they were different. The ones with the evil girl in, for example, she was controlling my body, but like I said, it was different. For one thing, she was outside my body and secondly, she never tried to separate my soul and my body. Also, that was the first spirit that didn't look like a solid human being.
I've thought before that I think the age of the spirit has an effect on how powerful they are. For example, the 1st spirit I saw was a little boy, about 5 or 6 years old. He could only come into the house through openings, although he could do this whether they were closed or not. The girl he brought must've been in her early teens, (or maybe a bit younger, 12 ish maybe?) and she was a lot more powerful; she could just appear in the room, she could make herself invisible or shapeshift and she could control my body, but not my mind. The guys that visit and protect me are in their early- to mid- twenties. They can also appear in the room, they were powerful enough to stop the girl (and the spirit from last night), also, they can send me messages and dreams. That's definitely something for me to think about.
You haven't really talked much about yourself, like, is there a particular reason why you have an interest in hallucinations?
You're probably right that it has to do something with the age. It's kind of like, the older you get, the more wise you get.
I'm interested in hallucinations, mostly because I'm a psychology major and I'm just fascinated by the thought of spirits and ghosts walking (or floating) among us. It's just really nice to hear about this stuff happening. Anything paranormal just fascinates me. It's just.. the unknown and the unexplainable.
I'm just really odd. I have a fascination with forensics too (like CSI, but I recently learned that real life isn't like CSI. I guess that's like how Scrubs or House is nothing like being a doctor- no matter how cool that would be)! The class I took just showed me the procedures and it's more technical than fun.
I guess the simple answer is: I'm just interested in anything that a person doesn't encounter in their day-to-day lives. I don't know if that makes any sense or if I'm crazy. =]
Fair enough, no I don't think that's crazy. Unusual maybe, but really normalcy is totally overrated. :) Besides, it probably means you have a lot more general knowledge than most other people, and just generally that you have more conversation, which is always a good thing.
Didn't you say somewhere that you think you've hallucinated? What happened?
Agreed! Being normal is no fun! =P
Well, from what I can remember (I have a really poor memory with almost everything), I would wake up struggling because I couldn't breathe and I felt that someone had wrapped something around me (arms, blanket, ropes- something)- it was the feeling that I was going to die. I would be struggling for about a minute and then I'd break free and then everything turns black.
It's only happened two or three times and only happened at my boyfriend's house. Maybe it was his arms wrapped around me too tight but I asked him if I had woken up kicking and struggling and he had said no.
I could entertain the idea that it was a dream, but usually in my dreams, the details aren't THAT exact. In my dreams, there ALWAYS be something(many things) that didn't belong (if I dreamt about a familiar place) , but here, the details were pretty precise. So, I'm really not sure if it was just a REALLY accurate dream where my boyfriend was trying to murder me or just a hallucination.
That sounds like a hallucination, especially if you can't usually remember dreams well. Also that it was in a place you knew, like you, most of my dreams take place in completely random locations, whereas most of my hallucinations take place in my house, or wherever I happen to be asleep.
Your boyfriend not remembering anything doesn't really tell you anything, in a lot of my hallucinations I would scream and beg them to leave me alone, my parents are in the next room, they would've heard that too.
Or your boyfriend could have been possessed, it's not that likely, but it does happen. I was once asleep in a room with my cousin when I had a hallucination about her. That was creepy as in it she was possessed. She had a huge smile on her face, but it was too wide and there was something wrong with it, Also her eyes were really wide and she wasn't blinking, she'd just stare at me. And she couldn't talk, she'd just stick her tongue out. I'm sure that's not the case with you though, you'd remember if it was your boyfriend, that doesn't really seem like something that you'd forget. :)
Do you know what causes hallucinations (like.. is there a trigger?) or is it just the sleeping problems that causes it?
Hopefully, it won't escalate to the point where I need to see a doctor- my dad doesn't trust doctors.
That's creepy. I wouldn't be able to look at them the same way again (because I would always remember that incident). That's seriously creepy to have your cousin possessed. *shudders*
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